Animated Awards

While I admit I'm not a huge fan of the Academy Award ceremonies, two years stand out for me when it comes to animated features: 2002 and 2005. The 2002 nominees included Spirited Away [the winner] and Lilo and Stitch. Both movies were such once-in-a-lifetime accomplishments that neither Studio Ghibli nor Walt Disney Studios would ever do better, and they easily ground the other token nominees into the dirt. But when it comes to a more evenly matched set of contenders, it's hard to beat the 2005 nominees: Howl's Moving Castle, Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit [the winner], and Corpse Bride.

Every now and then I fantasize about how I might have emceed that year's category. So what the heck, I decided to write it down.

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First of all, I want to say how honored I am to be asked to guest host this particular category of awards. Never have I seen such an equally deserving set of nominees, so much so that not only would I gladly give the award to all three, but immediately I am going right down into the audience to grovel at the feet of the directors.

[Hayao Miyazaki.] When it comes to the greatest purity of motion picture artistry, it's hard to beat Studio Ghibli. However, even as I kneel before you here and now, you must recognize what an awkward position you're in. As lovely as Howl's Moving Castle is, there is no way you will ever create a better movie than Spirited Away. It's like asking Terry Gilliam to create a better movie than Brazil: it simply can't be done.

[Nick Park and Steve Box.] You are in a unique position: before you even created a feature-length film, you came up with what I consider the greatest movie line in history. I don't think I can truly do it justice, but I'll try my best, along with the eye and hand gestures: "Not even... Wensleydale?" [The audience goes wild.] You'll never do better than that.

[Mike Johnson and Tim Burton.] Mr. Burton here truly deserves the appellation "Monsieur le Damier" or "Mister Checkerboard." For every unrivaled work of genius you produced, you have created an equally unmitigated pile of garbage. [The audience gasps in horror.] I refer in this particular context to this past year's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Roald Dahl may have despised the Quaker Oats movie that the rest of the world adores, but I simply cannot see anyone tipping a hat to your own monstrosity. And yet, nobody here will deny that Corpse Bride is a true masterpiece, and were I forced to choose a single winner tonight, it would easily be that film. Having said that, however, I must declare that you share a distinction with the Honorable Messers Miyazaki and Gilliam in that you will never, ever, create a better movie than Ed Wood. [Vesuvial eruptions of applause.]

And so, back up here onstage, I open the envelope, and... well, I guess I put my money on the wrong horse. Then again, how could a movie not win that had the line "Cheese, Gromit!" in it? That's right, the winner is Curse of the Were-Rabbit!

January 1, 2024

The Circular File