Fear and Loathing in the GOP

OK, some punks are getting way too fresh lately, but you have to put up with that sometimes because, you know, they're still part of the family, unless they go too far. It doesn't take "The Godfather" or "Sin Nombre" to tell you what we're about. It's all about honor and family, that and nothing more. Obama may run his South Side numbers racket better than anyone's mother, but nobody calls him "The Calculator" for nothing. As long as you're an asset, you're punched into his memory, but with each operation his finger pauses over the "Clear" button. Now with us, we're not that way. When you're in, you're in all 13 ways, and you know exactly the one way to end up as dog meat, like it or not. Reagan wasn't as dumb as he seemed, but he was as starry-eyed as Sinatra when we took him into the fold, and we led him by the nose ever since. Except that one time he lipped off to our Eastern Familias about the Wall; now, of course, we frame that incident in gold since it actually ended up improving business. W, on the other hand, was every bit as dumb as he seemed with change left over, but he was perfect, just perfect. Unfortunately, we do make mistakes sometimes, and this one was to put Cheney in charge of him. I swear he and Rumsfeld were the best of the Old School since Nixon himself, but somewhere they forgot that there's a right way and a wrong way to do family business. They were old enough to know better, and here they went all Irish punk kid white trash on us and thought they could run off the leash with impunity. You're surprised we didn't waste them? C'mon, they're still family. Normally we would have retired them to fancy cabanas in Puerto Rico, but they gave us just barely enough monetary satisfaction and promised they'd drop out quietly if we'd allow them to stay in the 'Hood. Palin said the same thing, but now she and Cheney are breaking our balls, where at least Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, the darkie bitch, and what's-that-spic's-name showed the decency to drop out of the sight. What's an honest guy supposed to do? OK, I'm going to confess something here. Both Palin and Cheney know where certain bodies are buried, and also had the know-how to plant landmines everywhere. Surprised? Ha! We can't touch them. So, we put up with them and just smile our Colgate smiles each time the press approaches us. And, whenever possible, destroy their cameras afterwards. Unless, naturally, they're from Fox Network.

November 21, 2009

The Circular File