H: Good evening, and welcome to "Weekly Critique." This week we shall criticize the late 19th Century Russian author Fyodor Dostoyevsky, best known for his psychological novel: Crime and Punishment.
Camera switches to CRITIC (Graham Chapman), in the left-hand chair, who is dressed as is typical for a famous literary critic appearing on a television show.
H: With us today is Sir Edmund Calloway, noted scholar of Russian literature, literary critic, and author of the well-known treatise: Existential Elements in Nineteenth Century Russian Literature.
C nods. Camera switches to GUMBY (Michael Palin), in the right-hand chair, who is dressed as is typical for a Gumby.
H: Also with us is the famed scholar of 19th Century Russian philosophy, Mr. E.P. Gumby, most recently noted for his controversial interpretation of Svidrigailov's role in Crime and Punishment.
Camera switches back to H.
H: The first topic tonight is this: the Bible, indeed Christianity, forms an important theme in Crime and Punishment, and Sonya's reading of Bible passages to Raskolnikov seems certainly to be significant in the modelling not only of Raskolnikov's confession, but also his complete recovery. Raskolnikov's original illness comes about as the result of a murder which he attempts to justify through a remarkably Existentialist belief in the exercise of free will of a privileged few who are able to rise above the entrapped masses. Sir Calloway, you cite Crime and Punishment in your treatise as being one of the premier expositions of Existentialism in 19th Century Russia, yet doesn't it seem that the work is in fact anti-Existentialist?
C: Well, one must remember of course that Existentialism as such did not actually exist at this period of time, though such authors as Kierkegaard were laying down the foundations. Nonetheless, the ethics of nihilism and what I term the "man vs. louse" doctrine were being fully developed by authors such as Dostoyevsky. Nihilism, of course, dates back before Dostoyevsky's time: that goes without saying. But Raskolnikov's discourse with Porfiry Petrovich is the axis around which the book revolves. Thus whether for or against, the book decidedly forms one of the earliest known literary expositions of this philosophy.
H: Hm. Mr. Gumby, what would you say to this?
G: I DISAGREE! THIS... BOOK! [holds up a copy] EXISTS... ONLY... IN THE... EXIS... TEN... TEN... SHALIST... FRAME OF MIND... IND... OF... WHAT HE SAID! ... RAZUMIHIN! SAYS! ... OOH! LIZAVETA!! [hits himself over the head with the book ] I MEAN... [hits himself over the head again] I THINK... THAT DOS... TOY... OY... OY... EVSKY WAS A BLOODY GIT!! ANYONE... CAUGHT WITH THIS BOOK SHOULD HAVE HIS BALLS CUT OFF! [He looks at the book in his hands and suddenly the realization comes to him.] OOH!!! [He throws it at C, hitting him on the chest, knocking him backwards.]
H: Fascinating. Remarkable. Sir Calloway, could you possibly have anything to add to that?
C gets back in his chair.
C: Well, I didn't say that I like Dostoyevsky myself. But I do make twenty thousand quid a year off of him and other pathetic, boring Russian realists.
H: Mr. Gumby, how much do you earn through criticism of Dostoyevsky?
G: THIRTY... THOUSAND... POUNDS! PER YEAR!! AND I WANT... MY FIF... IF... TY QUID FOR APPEARING... ON THIS... IS... SHOW!! [He cracks the table over his head for emphasis, smashing it into bits.] OOH! I THINK I BROKE THE TABLE!
Scene switches to two old ladies: L1 (Terry Jones) and L2 (Graham Chapman), watching the chaos in progress on the television.
L1: The show's a bit more interesting than usual this week.
L2: Indeed! This is the most intelligent criticism I've seen in months!
Scene switches back to studio, which is in chaos. G is throwing bits of table around while C continues talking and H obviously only pretends to be interested.
C: Of course, I wouldn't say that I DISLIKE Dostoyevsky, but I wouldn't admit liking him.
H: Indeed. How fascinating.
G: OOH!! I HURT MY BRAIN!
Scene switches back to L1 and L2
L2: Let's see what else there is on the telly.
L1 leans over and switches the channel. Screen shows ANNOUNCER (John Cleese) at desk.
A: And now for something completely different.
Scene switches to OLD MAN (Michael Palin).
Run animated titles.
Scene changes to a typical-seeming tavern. The OWNER (John Cleese), dressed in typical bartender-style clothing, is standing behind the bar counter, wiping glasses. CUSTOMER 1 (Graham Chapman), smoking a pipe and wearing only the lower half of a brown business suit, and CUSTOMER 2 (Eric Idle), wearing only the lower half of rather brightly colored garb, and several rings on his fingers, are sitting at the bar drinking ale.
Enter CUSTOMER (Terry Jones), with a moustache, wearing a black business suit, bowler hat, and umbrella. He enters slowly, looking around a bit rather expectantly, but then gets a disappointed look on his face as he approaches the bar.
C (to OT): Excuse me -- but is this the new topless tavern?
OT: Yes, it is.
C: Well, where are the waitresses?
OT (taken slightly aback): There are no waitresses here.
C: But this IS a topless tavern.
OT: Yes, it is.
C: And yet you have no topless waitresses.
OT: Yes, that is correct.
C looks around, and finally realizes the truth.
C: Ah, I see! It is the CUSTOMERS who are topless.
OT: How observant of you, sir. Now -- if you would care for service, kindly remove your upper garments.
C: Now wait a minute -- the customers are all MEN.
OT: A veritable Sherlock Holmes you are, sir. Are you going to continue to astound us with your remarkable powers of observation, or are you going to purchase a drink, sir?
C: This is totally stupid. What is the possible fun to be had by attending this establishment?
OT: I don't quite follow you, sir.
C: Where are the boobs? The titties? The tomatoes? If a man enters a topless tavern, he expects to see half-naked females serving drinks or shaking their bums up on some stage. He wouldn't even ENTER if all he expected to see were some hairy, flat, flabby chests.
OT (arms folded): Ah! I take it then that you have NO desire to disrobe. Well, if that is the case then I must insist that you depart from these premises.
C (to C1): Why are YOU here? To drool over chests which lack the faintest trace of curvature?
C1: Ah, well, hum. Well, you see, I'm actually here because of the atmosphere. It's quite nice here, really! You can meet lots of fine, down-to-earth chaps.
C: Indeed. (to C2): And how about you? Do YOU obtain your pleasure watching breasts which could scarcely fill out a training bra?
C2: Well, actually, I come here because of the prices.
C: I see.
OT: Now look here -- I have been quite patient with you, but I'm afraid that you have outstayed your welcome. That is, unless you are willing to purchase a drink, SIR.
C (hesitantly): Well, all right -- I'll have a Guinness.
OT remains motionless. Then, slowly, C begins to remove his upper garments. OT pours a Guinness and hands it to him.
OT (ingratiatingly): There now. That wasn't all that bad, was it, sir?
C: I don't know -- it's just that there seems to be no thrill to it: no sense of risqué, if you know what I mean.
OT (slightly exasperated): Well, then -- what would you suggest?
C: Are you certain that you wouldn't prefer to hire topless waitresses?
OT: Positive, sir.
C: Well, then -- how about changing your image to one which isn't quite so, so downright innocuous?
OT: For example?
C: Hmm. Well, perhaps instead of a topless tavern you could have a bottomless one.
OT (brightening visibly): Ah! You're in luck, sir. There just happens to be a bottomless establishment just across the road from here.
C (startled): Really? I don't believe it. This I must see.
Exit C, putting his clothes back on.
OT: Good God, I thought he'd NEVER leave.
C1: Don't I know it, Darling. Wasn't HE the authoritative little bitch!
C2: Speak for yourself, Love -- I was getting quite fond of him.
Scene changes to identical tavern, save that there are no customers visible. OWNER (Michael Palin), also in bartender's garb, also stands behind the bar, wiping glasses.
C: Excuse me, but is this the bottomless AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!...... [C has just fallen through a large trap door in front of the bar.]
His scream fades into silence. OB peers over the edge of the bar into the pit.
OB: That's right, Squire! What'll you have?
Scene changes to Gilliam animated sequence in which walls of pit rush past C. Finally C falls into total blackness. During the next few seconds is there nothing but a lot of clanking and clattering noises, a few "oofs," and finally a cork-like noise. A pull-chain light turns on, revealing C stuck in a champagne bottle where the cork should be. A man with a pale blue face, black plastered-down hair, thin moustache, and red smoking jacket hums to himself as he takes the bottle out of the ice and twists the wire loop. Soon is there a loud bang, sending C out through the window.
Scene changes to a typical patent lawyer's reception room in a highrise building. There is a door to the left and to the right, and windows along the back. Furniture includes desk, filing cabinets, couch, and so on. SECRETARY (Carol Cleveland) is dressed rather provocatively (of course) and sits at desk, typing rather slowly and clumsily (of course).
C (from previous sketch) falls past the window.
LAWYER (John Cleese) enters furtively from the right-hand door and lewdly bends over S from behind, whispering something into her ear. She turns and slaps him noisily on the cheek.
At that point, CLIENT (Michael Palin) enters nervously, wearing a mackintosh and carrying a fairly bulky leather satchel, and approaches the desk as L makes a hasty retreat to his office and shuts the door.
S (slightly flustered): Yes, sir -- what may I do for you?
C: Er, ah, I believe I have an appointment with Mr. Kettle?
S: Name, please?
C: Miles Tinkerby.
S: Ah, yes. If you'll wait a moment please. [She buzzes the intercom.] (to L): Mister Miles Tinkerby to see you. (to C): You may walk straight in.
C: Thank you.
C walks up to right-hand door and opens it.
Scene changes to L's office, lined with books and files. L is behind his large desk, which is cluttered with papers, reading a file.
Enter C. L looks up.
L: Ah, good morning. What may I do for you?
C (nervous, slightly honking): Well, ah, I'd like to patent an invention of mine...
L: ...And you'd like me to run a patent search for it?
C: Yes, yes.
L: Do you have the necessary forms with you?
C: Well, no, not actually, but I do have the invention here with me.
L: May I see it?
C opens the satchel and takes out a large, heavy stone wheel with a wood axle through the center. He places the cumbersome object upon L's desk.
L: This is it, is it?
C: Yes, sir.
L: And what do you call it?
C: I call it the "wheel," sir.
L: I see. The wheel. Yes. Ah, do you realize, Mr. ...
L: Tinkerby. Yes. Do you realize, Mr. Tinkerby, that the wheel has been in existence for at least four millennia?
C: Yes, sir.
L: And do you realize that it has been in common usage for at least two-and-one-half millennia?
C: Yes, I do indeed, sir.
L: And yet you wish to have a patent issued on the wheel in your name.
C: Yes, that's right. Along with all rights concerning applications.
L: Mr. Tinkerby, what makes you think that you could possibly attempt this without having your sanity seriously questioned?
C: Well, the wheel's never been patented, has it?
L, about to reply, stops abruptly, taken aback. He pauses for a moment in thought.
L: I... I don't think it actually has.
C: Well, there you go. Do your patent search just to make sure, and then draw up the proper documents giving me the sole rights.
L: Well, I, I don't think... No. It's totally ludicrous. The Ministry would never allow such an absurdity to take place. I'm sorry, but I must refuse.
C: Think of the money involved.
L: Nope. I won't hear another word of it.
C: The publicity.
L: The outcry, you mean. Say no more. I won't do it.
C (desperate): Well, how about taking a look at another of my inventions?
L (warily): What is it?
C takes a lit torch out of his satchel.
C: I call it "fire."
Switch camera to BBC 2 identification.
VOICE-OVER (Graham Chapman): And now, BBC 2 presents a special documentary on the British training effort for the upcoming 1972 Olympics.
Scene changes to a training field with various athletes engaged in various physical routines. Standing before camera is REPORTER (John Cleese).
R: Good afternoon. The activities which you see behind me are the training exploits of the crème de la crème of the British Olympic aspirants. These fine young physical specimens have inspired the confidence of the masses for the Summer Games. However, this silver cloud has a dark lining. There has recently been a great deal of controversy over the nature of the British Olympic team, and allegations have arisen that physically handicapped people are being seriously underrepresented in the upcoming Games. Charges of discrimination are being pressed upon the British Olympic Advisory Committee.
Camera changes to INTERVIEWEE 1 (Eric Idle), speaking into visible mike. Subtitles flash "Arthur Chesterton, Royal Society for the Prevention of Human Discrimination." I1 wears a sand-colored coat and a porkpie hat.
I1: It's blatant discrimination, that's what it is! The Olympic Games are unfair to athletes who have any physical handicap.
R: But there are those who have competed successfully even with physical handicaps.
I1: Yes, but they weren't blind, or on crutches, or confined to a wheelchair.
R: But don't the nature of the games preclude the participation of anyone who falls into one of those categories?
I1: That's what I mean! It's blatant favoritism and unfair attitudes toward those who don't meet the standards.
R: But is there any need for those who don't fit the standards to compete in the games in the first place?
I1: Well, there's pride! Besides, if the games are unfair to handicapped people, perhaps they should be altered so that handicapped people would be able to participate.
R: But some say that the spirit of competition would be weakened by removing the stringent standards which have been set.
I1: Spirit of competition my eye! It's all commercialism and political hype, anyhow -- who would notice a few more players on the field? Er, so to speak.
Camera changes to INTERVIEWEE 2 (Graham Chapman), also speaking into mike. Subtitles flash "Stanley Greenburt -- Her Majesty's Olympic Advisory Board." I2 wears a typical business suit.
I2: The entire situation is ludicrous.
R: How so?
I2: Well, the spirit of the Games is being undermined by people who are obviously envious of those who are better gifted. Handicapped people have no place on the playing field. The Olympic Games represent the peak of physical perfection: tall, handsome, muscular athletes, their auburn hair waving in the breeze... their bare tanned arms glistening in the sun... their flimsy shorts delicately fluttering over their tight buttocks...
Scene changes back to R at training field.
R: The controversy still rages, but already handicapped people have in fact begun training for the Olympic Games.
Camera shows person in a wheelchair rolling along a high-diving board, teetering at the edge, falling into the swimming pool, and failing to resurface. Bubbles rise. Switch to a blind person hurling a discus which sails into a nearby garbage can. Another blind person hurls a javelin which hits a passing person in the chest. Camera switches to deaf runners at a starting line. The gun goes off, but nobody moves. Switch to another person in a wheelchair holding a shotput, leaning back to throw it, being caught off-balance, and falling over backwards. Judges measure the distance the shotput rolls.
VOICE-OVER (Michael Palin): Already have handicapped athletes begun the long and torturous task of training for the Olympic Games. The trainees shown here only represent a small fraction of the total number of the eager, gutsy individuals who have the courage to grasp for their wildest goals. Of these, perhaps a lucky few will go on to the actual Olympic Games. Hopes are high, as are spirits. This is indeed a chronicle of sheer heroism, a shining example to the youth of our nation. Truly shall this be a great legacy of pride.
Scene changes to R at ski slopes of Sapporo.
R: At this time a blind ski team has entered the Winter Olympics in Sapporo, Japan. In order to illustrate their fine, nay, artistic, performing abilities, we now show you a film of their achievements, played to the music of Johann Strauss' "Blue Danube Waltz."
Roll clip with "Blue Danube" background music. Ski team, with dark glasses and white canes, performs all sorts of humorous stunts and ends up with a variety of fates, e.g. sailing off edge of cliff, running into trees or boulders, crashing into each other, plowing into crowds of people, smashing into judges' stand [7.8, 8.1, 7.4], and so on. Total run time about 35 seconds.
Switch camera to BBC 2 identification.
VOICE-OVER (John Cleese): And now, BBC 2 presents a special documentary on the recent British efforts to relieve the Energy Crisis.
Scene changes to a sophisticated-looking biotechnology laboratory. REPORTER 1 (Eric Idle) and SCIENTIST (Michael Palin) stand in front of the camera.
R1: I am currently standing inside one of the chief laboratories of the Royal Institute of Biotechnology. With me today is Dr. Frederick Sutherland, head of Her Majesty's Task Force on Renewable Energy Resources.
S (nodding): How do you do?
R1: Tell me, Dr. Sutherland, about your latest work here.
S: Well, we are all excited over our latest developments in renewable fuel resources -- more specifically, our developments in natural gas technology. Natural gas, as you may know, is principally extracted today from underground reservoirs. Though there are indications that these resources are limited, natural gas is also produced by a number of living things, from bacteria to man. Therefore we have undertaken to develop ways to take advantage of such natural production.
R1: What have you developed thus far?
S: Well, bacteria produce more gas than any other creature on earth, but they tend to be rather mucky to handle, and extracting gas is a bitch. Thus we have been concentrating our efforts on the higher animals, and have come up with this:
S holds up what appears to be a half-gallon size clear plastic bladder with a long tube attached to the opening. Also attached to the bladder are a pair of straps, evidently intended to form a belt.
Scene changes to film clip of various workers, pedestrians, bicyclists, cricket players, and so forth, all wearing gas bladders strapped to their backs (in various stages of inflation). There are also scenes of sheep and cattle in fields, all with jumbo-size bladders strapped to their backs. Show dairymen wearing bladders milking cows wearing bladders.
VOICE-OVER (Graham Chapman): Although the convenient small size of the personal gas collectors initially caused excitement, it has since been shown that subsequent collection and compression of each small quantity of gas is quite infeasible. Hence collectors designed for groups of individuals have been developed.
Scene changes to a large office full of secretaries. Each secretary has a clear tube running down her chair to a receptacle in the floor. REPORTER 2 (John Cleese) stands next to EXECUTIVE (Terry Jones).
R2: Here at the Standish Insurance Company, a pilot project utilizing the multiple gas collection system has begun. With me is Sir Harvey Lexington, Chairman of the Board at Standish, who approved the plan. Tell me, Sir Harvey, what made you decide to attempt a project of this nature?
E: We at Standish believe in getting the most out of our workers. Since 95% of our employees are sedentary for long periods of time, we decided that it would be to our advantage to put both ends to work. Therefore all workers who participate in the project are asked to eat beans with every meal. Of course, the extra work is reflected in their salaries.
R2: And what do you do with the gas which is collected?
E: It's used for heating. Ever since the project has begun, we have saved 35% on our gas bills. If all workers participated, we are certain that we should produce all the gas which we require. Part of the savings reflected go toward the increased salaries of the participants, and the rest go to the stockholders, who are naturally all behind the project.
R2: Thank you.
Scene changes back to laboratory.
R1: Are there any other projects being undertaken?
S: Well, Squire, I have here the plans for our latest project.
S holds up a drawing of an indoor stadium.
S: This indoor stadium, now under construction in Brixton, will be heated and cooled entirely by the gas produced by the spectators. Tickets will be sold in advance, with the stipulation that the spectator eat plenty of beans and/or cabbage the evening before a match.
S now holds up a diagram of Parliament.
S: We also are developing plans for installing a gas collector in Parliament. In fact, one bright lad here [S points his finger to the appropriate part of the diagram] has suggested that we also install windmills inside to power the lights.
Scene changes to the "topless tavern" of earlier. OT (John Cleese) is at the bar, wiping glasses, and has his back to the entrance. CUSTOMER 1 (Eric Idle) and CUSTOMER 2 (Terry Gilliam) are sitting at the bar, stripped to the waist.
Enter OWNER (Terry Jones), dressed in tweeds, leading PET (Graham Chapman), dressed in a brown suit, on a leash. They both strip to the waist and sit at two empty stools between C1 and C2.
O: I'll have scotch and soda.
OT: Yes, sir.
OT turns around and sees P.
OT: I'm sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in this establishment.
P: I'm not a dog -- I'm a person.
All eyes turn to P. Pause.
C2: Did that dog just talk?
P: I'm not a dog.
C1 (to O): How did you teach him to do that?
O: I didn't.
P: Of course he didn't -- I don't need anyone to teach me how to talk!
C1: Amazing. How long has your dog been doing this?
P: I'm not a dog!
O: As far as I know, this is the first time he's said a word.
P: That's ridiculous. I'm a person, and people typically talk during most of their lives.
OT: I hate to interrupt, but I simply cannot allow this dog to remain here. Talking or not, either you remove him from these premises, or I shall be forced to contact the constabulary.
O: Of course. Let's go, Chauncy.
P: But I keep telling you, I'm not a dog! And my name isn't Chauncy!
OT: Right then -- if you're not a dog, how come you have floppy ears?
C1: And a shaggy coat?
C2: And a wagging tail?
P: That's absurd! You're imagining things!
O (fully dressed by now): Come on, Chauncy -- I'll take you to the veterinary.
P: What for? You are the ones who need help!
P grabs his clothes as O leads him out by the leash. P continues to protest as they exit.
C1: Imagine that -- a dog that thinks he's one of us.
Scene changes to BBC TELEVISION ANNOUNCER (Michael Palin).
A: According to authorities, reports of dogs acting as people are reaching epidemic proportions. [Film clips shown behind A depict people leading other people on leashes.] Very Famous Scientists working on this case are currently quite baffled by the situation.
Scene changes to laboratory. VERY FAMOUS SCIENTIST (Graham Chapman) stands smoking a pipe, looking currently quite baffled by the situation. VERY PRETTY ASSISTANT (Carol Cleveland) stands nearby, looking currently very pretty.
Camera zooms in on S. Subtitles flash the words "Very Famous Scientist."
S: I am currently quite baffled by the situation.
Camera resumes previous view.
S: Dogs everywhere are behaving as if they are normal human beings. The numbers are reaching epidemic proportions.
S: Not only that, but each dog, upon beginning to think that it's a normal person, loses all memory of having been a dog.
S: They can't even see that physically they are still dogs. It's as if their senses have been completely altered.
S: Even more baffling is the fact that each of them seems to have received a completely new set of memories, complete with jobs, family, and in many cases college education.
S: Yet every Very Famous Scientist I know is just as unable as I am to explain this phenomenon.
S: What is more, I am being considerably annoyed by a Very Pretty Assistant whose entire vocabulary seems to be limited to a single word.
S: Thus I am going to kill her.
S opens a drawer, takes out a gun, and shoots A. A collapses behind the lab counter.
Scene changes to the living room of a typical working class home. HUSBAND (Graham Chapman) and WIFE (Terry Jones) are sitting in front of the television. Someone knocks at the door.
W: Well, answer it!
H goes to door and opens it. Standing in the doorway is SON (Michael Palin).
S: Hi Dad! Hi Mum! I'm back!
H: Who are you?
S: What do you mean who am I? I'm your son!
H: I've never had a son. Besides, you're a dog!
S: Are you serious? I, your only son, join the Royal Navy for eight years and you think I'm a dog?
H: I don't know how you would get into the Royal Navy (except as dinner) but you're not my son. I've never had a son, and dog or not you've got quite a bit of cheek carrying on like that!
S: Well, that's gratitude for you! I send you half of every paycheck and when I come home I get this treatment!
H: We've never received money from anyone in the Navy; or anyone in the Government, for that matter. Now get along.
S: Oh, this is just rum! My very own parents, who received half of eight years' wages from their only beloved son, now want simply to turn me out into the cold, hard streets and make believe as if I never existed! You have no heart, Father!
H slams the door in S's face and walks back to the couch.
H: Imagine that! Some mutt tries to convince me he's my son and then insults me. What's the world coming to?
W: Would you change the channel, dear?
H changes channel.
Television shows A, who is still talking about the dog situation.
A: The dog situation is now even worse. Dogs are showing up at factories, mines, schools, and hospitals to continue working at jobs which never existed. Upon being told that they cannot work, they have gone on strike. [Film clips show various workers on strike.] Union officials say that they may also order strikes in sympathy, even though the dogs are not actual members of any union.
Scene changes to REPORTER 1 (John Cleese) and UNION LEADER (Eric Idle).
R1: Tell me, why is your union about to go on strike?
L: Well, we have to! All of the boys can see the unfair treatment which the workers are receiving at the hands of the management. If we don't chip in and help them, they would be forced to knuckle down under the oppressive thumb of the Capitalist regime. And if that happened, the management in their pride would subsequently direct their attention toward us. Then where would we be? The way we see it, no workers should be treated as dogs.
R1: But those workers are in fact dogs.
L: Ah, well, yes. You're correct on that issue. But the way we see it, it's not simply a matter of species: it's a question of honor!
R1 turns to camera.
R1: Well, there you have it. And now, back to BBC Studios.
Camera switches back to A.
A: According to the latest report, a dog is claiming to be the Queen. We now go to Buckingham Palace.
Scene changes to REPORTER 2 (Graham Chapman) in front of Buckingham Palace.
R2: Consternation has reigned over the Ruling Family today ever since several dogs came to the Palace claiming to be members. One she-dog even claims to be the Queen. Parliament has refused to comment on the situation, having a similar problem themselves. Nonetheless, the Head of the Conservative Party has agreed to an interview.
Camera shifts to include CONSERVATIVE LEADER (Terry Jones). R2 turns to him.
R2: Tell me -- how do you feel about the dog situation as a whole?
C: It seems perfectly obvious to me that this is a move on the part of the Socialists to undermine the integrity and dignity of the Nobility.
R2: What about the dogs who are claiming to be workers and even Socialist leaders?
L: Just a ruse. [L smirks.] Nonetheless, I must confess I am rather amused by the she-dog who is claiming to be the Queen.
R2: How so?
L: Well, it IS a bit of a reversal. After all, this is the first time the Socialists could say that a bitch is the Queen!
Scene changes to the standard film clip of an unsmiling elderly female audience. Scene changes back to L. KNIGHT IN ARMOR comes up to L, hits him over the head with a chicken, and departs. Then a "16 TON" weight drops on L. Camera switches to a more distant shot. The weight explodes. Scene changes to the standard film clip of an applauding elderly female audience.
Scene changes to a Gilliam animated sequence. Dogs push around prams, drive cars, take elevators, use trams, play soccer, and form hub-bubs at a park. Suddenly a large garbage truck appears at the park with the words "DOG REMOVAL PROJECT" on the side. It scoops up the dogs and dumps them into the back. Other trucks scoop up striking dogs, dogs driving cars, and so on. Trucks with giant vacuum units suck dogs out of offices, elevators, Parliament, and so on. Lines of trucks dump the dogs into ships which sail away and arrive at America (indicated, of course, by the Statue of Liberty). The dogs are dumped out and the ships sail away.
Switch to Senate chambers. Various senators are sucked out of sight and replaced by dogs. Switch to Richard Nixon, speaking at podium, who is sucked out of sight and replaced by a dog which continues his speech.
Camera switches to the words "Meanwhile, back in Brent..."
Scene changes to a rather normal-looking reception room, with degrees hung on the panelled walls, and containing a desk and five chairs. There are two doors, one to the left and one to the right. The desk is next to the right-hand door. INTERN WHO SPEAKS RATHER LOUDLY (Michael Palin), dressed in a white uniform, is sitting at the desk, ogling an issue of "Naked Lust."
Enter MALE PATIENT (Eric Idle) and FEMALE PATIENT ("Mrs. Idle") slowly, almost embarrassedly, through the left-hand door. I looks up as MP approaches the desk.
I: Yes, Squire! May I help you?
MP (quietly, bending over the desk): Er, this is the sex therapy clinic?
I: That's right, Squire! What seems to be your problem? Can't get it up?
I winks and taps MP's abdomen.
FP blushes and hides her face while MP looks a bit stunned; but before he can reply, the right-hand door opens and PATIENT (Terry Gilliam) enters, wearing a long trench coat, his bare legs clearly visible. He is followed by DOCTOR (Graham Chapman).
D: Now then, Lord Jenkins, it seems to me that we've finally cured your little complaint. I don't think that you need to attend any more sessions. Good day!
P stalks over to the left-hand door, and with his back to the audience opens his coat in the direction of FP, who involuntarily lets out a short scream. Exit P.
MP: Good God! Did you say that man was cured?
D: Oh, yes. He used to be quite shy and inhibited before we treated him. Now then, what seems to be your problem?
I: He's got a bum instrument!
MP: Now look here -- it's nothing like that at all!
I: Right, Squire! That's what they all say!
MP is totally shocked, but D quickly intervenes.
D: Now, now, settle down. (to MP): I'm terribly sorry about my intern, but he tends to be a tad presumptuous now and then. (to I): George, could you escort Mr. Farnsworth out, please?
I: Sure thing, Doc.
Exit I out the right-hand door. Presently he returns with FARNSWORTH (John Cleese), who is wearing a ballet skirt and pink tights. F walks to the left-hand door and turns to D, revealing lash stripes down his back. Noises of exclamation from the "studio audience."
F: Tah-tah, Sweetheart. Tomorrow, same time?
D: Yes, yes -- and next time, wear lavender. You KNOW it's my favorite color.
Exit F, blowing a kiss to D. I sits at the desk again.
MP (facetiously): Wow, HE certainly needs help! Ha-ha!
D: What do you mean?
MP: I mean, it's a good thing you're treating him.
D: Oh, no, no -- he's my assistant. [He notices MP's and FP's reaction.] Ah! Yes! Ah, well, you see, he just acts and dresses that way to put my more nervous patients off guard so that they'll relax a bit. That's all.
MP: Oh! I see!
MP and FP laugh briefly with relief.
D: Ha-ha, yes. Well, can we now get to the matter at hand, Mister -- ?
MP: Oh! Bill Maxwell, and this is my wife, Charlene.
D: Pleased to meet you. Let's step into my office.
D, MP, and FP exit through the right-hand door.
Scene changes to a small office, with a desk and sofa, and with doors to the left and right. Enter D, MP, and FP through the left-hand door. D closes the door and sits down at the desk while MP and FP sit down on the sofa.
D: Now then, what seems to be your problem?
MP: Well, you see, Doctor we're having a bit of trouble -- well, you know.
FP: It's not that we can't go through with it.
MP: Right! It's just that we can't seem to, well...
FP: We can't seem to get any genuine satisfaction out of it.
D: Oh, I see! Well, there's nothing to be worried about -- most young couples today are concerned with getting the most out of it. If you will, I'd like for you to go into the examination room and demonstrate your technique for me.
MP and FP look at each other.
MP (reluctantly): Ah, well, I don't know if that's quite necessary.
D (peeved): Now look -- do you want me to help you or not? If all those couples could do it for Masters and Johnson, you can bloody well do it for me! Now get in there!
MP hesitates and looks at FP. She nods.
MP: Well, all right.
Exit MP and FP through the right-hand door.
Scene changes to a room resembling a surgery, with a bare table in the middle with glaring lights over it. Standing next to the door is DOCTOR 1 (John Cleese) who is dressed as a surgeon, save that he has sergeant's stripes on his coat sleeves and a whistle around his neck.
Enter MP and FP through the door.
D1: Ten-HUT! Right then, off with the clothes, double-time! Hut-two! Hut-two! Hut-two! C'mon, get the lead out of it! Hut-two! Hut-two! etc.
MP and FP are down to their underwear before they realize what they're doing.
MP: Wait a minute! What is all this?
D1: What did you say?
MP: I said, what is all this?
D1: What is all this, SIR!
MP: All right, then. What is all this, SIR?
D1: I - can't - hear - you!
MP: WHAT IS ALL THIS, SIR!
D1: Are you questioning my orders?
MP: Well, uh...
MP: Not exactly, it's just that...
D1: Right! Ten-HUT! Face FRONT! Chest OUT! Stomach IN! About FACE! Now then, GET the rest of the clothes off, GET on that table, and GET TO IT!
MP and FP are about to remove their underwear when a constable's whistle sounds, and POLICE INSPECTOR (Terry Jones) and two bobbies (carrying a privacy screen) enter through the door.
PI: Hold it! We'll have no frontal nudity on the BBC!
The two bobbies place the screen in front of the table. Groans, boos, and hisses from the "studio audience."
PI: Right, then -- you may proceed.
Exit PI and bobbies.
D1: Now then -- get behind the screen, remove the remainder of your clothing, get on the table, and at the sound of the whistle, assume the position. Move!
MP and FP get behind the screen. A few seconds later, their underwear is draped over the edge of the screen. A few more seconds pass.
D1: Right then -- WAIT FOR IT...
About fourteen doctors [including DOCTOR 2 (Michael Palin), DOCTOR 3 (Terry Jones), DOCTOR 4 (Carol Cleveland), and DOCTOR 5 (Terry Gilliam)] file into the room and fill the area on either side of the screen. Finally D himself enters.
D: Ah, good! I can see that you two are all set to go. Pay no attention to these people -- they're just colleagues of mine. Act as if they don't exist. Right, then. Sergeant?
D1 blows whistle. A few seconds pass, and the doctors begin talking softly among themselves.
D3 (slightly louder): Well, I can see that he's off to a poor start already.
D4: Indeed -- I shouldn't wonder that she receives nothing from it at all.
D2: It's certainly a sad excuse for foreplay.
D3: Terrible. Simply atrocious.
A few more seconds pass.
D4: It seems to me that he's suffering from acute sexual immaturity. Perhaps he has been fixated at the anal stage.
D3: I disagree. He is obviously mature in terms of emotional expression -- he's just unpracticed in technique.
D2: I fail to see any proper emotional expression at all. Sexually, these two are both infantile. Perhaps they have been brought up improperly.
D: Obviously I'll have to interview them as to their sexual history.
D5: As if they have one.
A few more seconds pass.
D2: NOW what is he trying to do?
D4: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's certainly amusing!
One of the doctors chuckles. Before long, all of them are trying to suppress their laughter (save D1, who is straight as a ruler). One of them actually guffaws.
A few more seconds pass.
D2: WHAT THE...?!?
All of the doctors crack up, even D1, who is bent over double. A few seconds pass, and several are on their backs in hysteria.
Roll the closing credits while the title theme is played in the background.
When the credits are finished, MP and FP peek over the edge of the screen with bewildered expressions on their faces.
MP: Now, wait a minute! What's going on here?
D2: That's just what we were going to ask you!
The doctors double their hilarity (if such is possible).
D: I'm... I'm sorry, old chap. It's just that you two are... utterly pathetic!
Those doctors who have not collapsed onto the floor do so now.
MP (quite red): Now look here! We came here for you to help us solve our problems! We didn't expect a bloody Spanish Inquisition!
Everybody suddenly freezes.
D1, D2, and D3 get up and run out through the door.
MP: I said, I didn't expect a Spanish Inquisition.
A crashing sound reverberates through the room, followed by the footsteps of a small mob. The door flies open, and several cardinals in red silk robes [including CARDINAL 1 (Michael Palin), CARDINAL 2 (Terry Jones), and CARDINAL 3 (John Cleese)] rush into the room.
C1: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
C1: Shut up. Our weapons are (counting the strings tied to his fingers): Fear, Surprise, a Ruthless Efficiency, and an Almost Fanatical Devotion to the Pope.
Cut to film clip of applauding elderly female audience. Cut back to examination room.
C1: Thank you. Right! Nobody move! Cardinal Biggles, you will read the names. Cardinal Fang, you will read the charges. I will ask for the pleas. Are we ready?
One of the other cardinals: No.
C1: Shut up. Cardinal Biggles -- begin.
C2: Doctor Joyce Greenfield.
C3: You are charged with improper bandying of Freud.
C1: How do you plead?
C2: Doctors Johnson, Wilford, Edgars, Pickwick, Gilson, Chambers, Edwards, Goulding, Thomas, and Chadwick.
C3: You are charged with impersonating doctors.
C1: How do you plead?
D5 through D14: Guilty.
C2: Doctor Russell Williams.
C3: You are charged with withholding evidence from the Church -- viz., one issue of "Naked Lust" which we found in your desk drawer.
C1: How do you plead?
D: Not guilty! That wasn't mine, it was my intern's!
C1: That's what they all say. Right! Take them all away!
One of the other cardinals takes them away.
MP: What about us?
C1: Ah, yes. Cardinal Biggles?
C2: Bill and Charlene Maxwell.
C3: You are charged with improper non-display of pseudo-sexual practices on British television.
C1: How do you plead?
MP and FP: Not guilty!
C1: That's also what they all say. Cardinal Fang, FETCH -- THE BBC CENSOR!
A very dramatic chord fills the room. Exit Cardinal Biggles. Momentarily he returns with a man (Terry Gilliam) wearing a black business suit and black-rimmed glasses.
C1: Right, then! Perform your duty!
C: I hereby rule that this episode is not to be aired, and that all tapes (except one for official purposes) are to be destroyed.
C3 (in natural voice): Actually, the episode is too long to broadcast anyway.
C1: Shut up. And now, FETCH -- THE FINAL FADE-OUT!!!
A superlatively dramatic chord fills the room.
Fade to final frame.
The Circular File